Falling into darkness again quickly....

I don't know what is happening to me. During the day I seem to be OK then when the night falls I go down so fast I can barely see straight. I have no clever Bible verse to fix this right now. Everything seems a bit fuzzy. My thoughts are erratic my depression is raring its ugly head and my anger seems to be spinning out of control. When I talk about my thoughts I mean all of them but especially the one where I want to call "him". For those of you that know me, you know this is the last thing on earth I need to be doing. The urge is getting stronger though and I'm not sure what to do about it. So what if I do call him and send him letters about what I really think about all the horrible things he's done? I know what my hope is if I do this but it's not very christian of me to think that way. I want him to have the memories fresh in his mind like I do, and for him to stop hiding behind all the alcohol and drug use. Why shouldn't he feel some of the pain? You see what I mean about my anger? I'm trying to use my skills and be mindful but WOW this is really a bad time. I wish someone could tell me what to do so I don't feel this way anymore. I know that is not possible but I still wish it. Maybe if I got really drunk things would all seem clearer. Who knows.

On the other hand... my husband has been so absolutely wonderful its amazing. I don't know how he lives with me like this. I believe he loves me and that is the only way he can stomach this craziness. I love him with all my heart and if I can't get better for myself, then I want to try really really hard to get better for him.