Changes

There are so many changes in my life right now, I'm kind of numb about it. I'm getting ready to graduate from my group sessions, I need to find things to keep me busy during the day while Richard is at work and Brandon is at school. I used to have Angel Food to look forward to but sadly that is coming to an end also. I feel sad that all of this is changing. There is nothing I can really do to stop it, so I just have to make different arrangements for myself. I have a few things in mind but it is overwhelming. I feel really lonely right now also. I know I have Richard and Brandon in my life and I am so grateful for that. Yet It feels like I have no friends. I don't know why it feels that way because Terry has always been my friend, she is always there for me and we talk at least once a week. So why do I feel this way? I wish I could answer my own questions. Uggghhhhh

A dark well

Have you ever fallen down a well and watched how dark it gets the deeper you go? Well technically neither have I, but that is what it feels like sometimes. The more I try to claw my way out the more tired I get. When I get this tired I can't even look up to see the light. With all that I have in my life I should not be in this dark place. My son is the brightest light I have ever seen. I adore him and love him with all my heart. Yet I still cannot get out of the pit. Some people think I should "just do it" "just get over it". Well as easy as that sounds, it's not. If I could do that I wouldv'e done that 25 years ago. WOW 25 years of feeling like this. I really must be sick. I want to feel joy, I want to feel happiness, I want to feel like I'm not a burden on my family and others. I want to feel love. Yet I feel darkness. I'm going to keep doing the therapy, and keep trusting in God to pull me through this once again. I guess that is all I can do. The other options are just not good enough.

Falling into darkness again quickly....

I don't know what is happening to me. During the day I seem to be OK then when the night falls I go down so fast I can barely see straight. I have no clever Bible verse to fix this right now. Everything seems a bit fuzzy. My thoughts are erratic my depression is raring its ugly head and my anger seems to be spinning out of control. When I talk about my thoughts I mean all of them but especially the one where I want to call "him". For those of you that know me, you know this is the last thing on earth I need to be doing. The urge is getting stronger though and I'm not sure what to do about it. So what if I do call him and send him letters about what I really think about all the horrible things he's done? I know what my hope is if I do this but it's not very christian of me to think that way. I want him to have the memories fresh in his mind like I do, and for him to stop hiding behind all the alcohol and drug use. Why shouldn't he feel some of the pain? You see what I mean about my anger? I'm trying to use my skills and be mindful but WOW this is really a bad time. I wish someone could tell me what to do so I don't feel this way anymore. I know that is not possible but I still wish it. Maybe if I got really drunk things would all seem clearer. Who knows.

On the other hand... my husband has been so absolutely wonderful its amazing. I don't know how he lives with me like this. I believe he loves me and that is the only way he can stomach this craziness. I love him with all my heart and if I can't get better for myself, then I want to try really really hard to get better for him.

Long Week

WOW what a week its been. I don't think we've been home before 9pm any night this week! Luckily next week should slow down for us. The only problem for me on weeks like this is that I get very grouchy and then I feel bad and end up depressed because I'm an idiot. There were two days this week that I did not sleep and by last night I was so tired that if you looked at me funny I would snap. I know this is not fair to anyone especially my family. Poor Brandon got the brunt of it I think and only because he was trying to joke around and I couldn't take it. I feel like I'm whining or something, that is not what I am trying to do though. On a more positive note... I was afraid this weekend was going to be really bad and its turned out not so bad after all. Angel Food went well and we have turkey for the Thanksgiving banquet!! What more could you ask for?

Being Alone

Sometimes I think there must really be something wrong with me. I never want to be alone, I think I'm afraid of myself (if that's possible). I know I don't trust myself most of the time. So how are other people supposed to trust me? I don't think of myself as one who breaks the trust of others, at least I try not to. All I know is that when I'm alone my mind goes crazy. So that is probably why my friends may think I am so clingy. Its also because I love people to death. I think that's because I feel so deeply. I don't know, I feel all jumbled right now and I have said "I" way to much. Until Later......

Confusion

I have done a lot of thinking today about the things going on in my life at this present time. I don't know which way is up right now. My beliefs are getting stronger and my therapy is getting harder. They just don't really mesh with each other. I don't really know what to do with this. I'm trying not to decide what the end is before I know it. This is hard for me. That is what I got called out on the other day. This confusion is making my head hurt. I don't know who to really talk to about it, because no one really understands. I don't even really understand. I hope I can figure this out really soon.

Trying to stay positive

I was lets say, "put in my place today" kind of. Someone I respect very much let me know that I tend to turn what "can be" into what the "train wreck will look like" I started doing this today about depression and what it may do to my son. I'm worried about him and I don't ever want him to go through even a small hint of what I go through. Of course I am a bit of a worrier (I don't think that is a word). My husband and I were talking about my day earlier and he told me to read Psalm 139. Here are a few of my favorite parts of this chapter.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.


23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I love the thought that God knows everything about me, and that he knows my thougths before they even happen. He is so powerful and all knowing. We have a really amazing God, and I am so glad I can see him in my life more now than every before. I know God is the reason that I am starting to walk through the darkness and into the light more. Know my heart Lord and thank you for watching over me everyday.